


Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Thanks for Taking Care of Me, Tiny

by Ysabetwordsmith



Series: Love Is For Children [43]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: #coulsonlives, Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bugs & Insects, Carrying, Flashbacks, Food, Friendship, Games, Gen, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Memories, Memory Loss, My headcanon is a kinder universe than the MCU, No Sex, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team as Family, Teamwork, Training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23504896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: Phil, Steve, Bucky, and Clint visit SHIELD to work with the new recruits. Later that evening, an unexpected trigger throws Bucky into a panic attack.
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Betty Ross, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Phil Coulson & Avengers Team
Series: Love Is For Children [43]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/42722
Comments: 468
Kudos: 276





	1. New Things Can Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
> 
> I also have a list of [favorite photogenic scenes](https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9313791.html) from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.

On Sunday, Phil went to SHIELD with Steve, Bucky, and Clint in tow. Fortunately Steve and Clint had recovered from the ill-fated mission with the bugs. SHIELD posed its own challenges, of course. Steve had mostly stopped staring at the walls as if gauging how knock-downable they were. Even Bucky was beginning to unwind. Clint, however, was wearing workout clothes with a T-shirt that read, _"Don't touch! Look!"_

"New shirt?" Phil said mildly.

"Yeah, JARVIS bought it for me," Clint said. "I like it. Real clear." He rolled his shoulders. "And look, it fits loose around my arms so I can shoot, but it doesn't hang like a tent all the way down."

He was shaped more or less like a triangle, because archery made big muscles in his arms and upper back, while the rest of him was trim. That sometimes made it hard for Clint to find clothes that fit comfortably. JARVIS, armed with his exact measurements, seemed to have better luck.

"It suits you," Phil said, because Clint was giving him a wary look that made his heart ache. Clearly SHIELD wasn't a fully comfortable place for Clint yet.

"Sergeant Barnes, it's so good to see you," Assistant Director Hill said warmly. "I was hoping you might give us a hand today. We brought in some long-range rifles and scopes for Wesson to try out -- he's a new recruit we're training up as a sniper. You two could hit the range and see what works best."

"You-you'd let me shoot?" Bucky stammered. "In _here?"_

"No, in the range," Hill said. "Unless you're not up for it, or you're booked full. I don't want to bother you. The thing is, our best sniper is Hawkeye, and he just doesn't prefer guns. He's really an archer. He can _use_ a gun, but they all the feel pretty much the same to him."

"It sounds good. Yeah, I'll show Wesson what to look for," Bucky said. Then his eyes narrowed, and a slow smirk spread over his face. "I'll need Steve later, though."

"What do you have in mind?" Phil asked.

"Steve never watches his left --"

"That's 'cause you're there!"

"-- so I thought we'd sign out some paintball equipment and see if Wesson can hit him on the obstacle course," Bucky said. "What do you say, Steve, willing to take a few bruises for the team?"

"He's not gonna hit me, Buck," said Steve.

"I've heard Phil and Clint talking him up. He might," said Bucky.

"Why don't we turn loose the other baby agents and see if any of them can put a touch on Steve?" said Clint. "We could make it Wesson's job to stop them."

"Good idea," Phil said.

"Well, Sergeant, it seems like you've got some great plans for our new recruits," Hill said with a smile. "I'll leave you to it." She gave Bucky a fleeting pat on the left arm that left him staring after her, bemused.

"All right, let's go set that up," Phil said, heading to the nearest computer room. He could do simple scheduling from any computer here.

Inside, Fury was kicking some of the SHIELD equipment, saying, "WORK, you fucking piece of shit! You were _fine_ five minutes ago when Hill was using you."

"Gee, Director, I don't think it likes you," Clint drawled.

"Let me see," Bucky said, shooing Fury aside. He looked at the screen, tapped a few keys, and said, "There's your problem. We just need to reboot the router." He unplugged it, waited a few seconds, and plugged it back in. "Come on and connect for me, pretty please with sugar on it."

The computer chimed softly, announcing the connection.

"There you go," Bucky said, waving Fury back into place. "Just be gentle with it, okay? Even machines don't like being yelled at or kicked around."

Phil gave in inward wince at that. HYDRA hadn't been kind to the Winter Soldier at all.

Then he sat down and pulled up today's schedule for the new recruits. It had been left flexible to account for weapons selection and the hope that some of the Avengers would help with training. Phil typed in his additions and sent them to the relevant people.

"Done," Phil said. "Let's head to the range."

The other Avengers fell into step behind him. Then they ran into Agent Sitwell on the way there.

"Hello, Sergeant Barnes," said Sitwell. "I heard you were coming in today, but there was no schedule posted, and I didn't know if you'd have time for the cafeteria. So I brought you a lunch."

He held out a black lunchbox, the old-fashioned kind with a domed lid to hold a thermos. Bucky took it and flipped it open. Inside it had a giant hero sandwich, an apple, an orange, a banana, a bag of chips, a bag of trail mix, some bubblegum donuts, and several chocolate bars stuffed along the sides. He stared, mouth hanging open.

"The sandwich is meatloaf, I figured that would be familiar," Sitwell said. "The chips are sweet potato. That's probably different than your usual, but new things can be good, and they have extra nutrients ..."

Bucky touched the bag with a fingertip, making it crinkle. "I used to look for work at the shipyards, because if stuff came in damaged, they usually let us keep the discards," he said softly. "Potatoes and sweet potatoes were the best, because I could cut off the bad parts and use the rest. Maybe once a month I'd come home with a whole sackful to share."

"We'd have potatoes for a week, because they wouldn't keep as long as usual, but they'd last a few days," Steve picked up. "Sweet potatoes, we'd do 'em up with a little sugar and cinnamon if we could get it."

"Those _are_ brown sugar and cinnamon," Sitwell said.

"Aw, _yeah,"_ Bucky said. He shoved the lunchbox at Phil and tore open the bag. Bucky ate one chip, his eyes closing in bliss, then passed the bag to Steve.

Steve ate one chip, grinned at the flavor, and handed the bag back to Bucky. "I like the crunch. I'd be happy to have more of those."

Bucky took a couple and passed him the bag. "Yeah, they're great," he said. "Thanks, Sitwell."

"Any time, Sergeant Barnes," said Sitwell. "I hope to see you around."

Phil smiled. Next time, there would be two bags of chips in the box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint has been having trouble with other SHIELD personnel since the events of The Avengers. Also, Agent Bobbi Morse is sexually harassing him, as mentioned in "Coming in from the Cold: Tuesday: Facing Fears" [Part 2](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/10766433.html).


	2. The Copycat Exercise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers see what some of the new recruits are doing. Bucky helps Wesson choose some guns to try out. Phil has a different assignment for Steve.

When they reached the area reserved for physical activities, they found Agent Smith and Agent Jones working with some of the recruits in an open space. Scattered gear suggested that they were taking a break between more vigorous activities. At present, Smith was guiding the female pair, Brooks and Moore; while Jones guided the male pair, Jackson and Johnson.

They were doing the Copycat Exercise, in which one person built something for another to duplicate. With the recruits sitting back-to-back, though, only one of them could see the agent's structure -- and the other one had the box of Lego bricks. Smith was building something vaguely like a boat for the women to copy, so Brooks watched him and gave instructions for Moore to follow. Meanwhile, Jones was showing Jackson a humanoid figure that Johnson would have to build.

Phil paused to observe them. From the looks of it, Brooks and Moore had a better feel for each other, but Jackson was more articulate with verbal directions. It would be interesting to see how they fared when they moved on to the harder exercises in that series, such as Blocked Perspective or Director, Runner, Builder, Observer.

"That looks like fun," Steve murmured. "It might help people do better on the comms during a fight."

"The Avengers can do that exercise at home," Phil said.

"But it's only for pairs, and they need a handler each," Bucky said.

"No, there are many variations suited to more people," Phil said. "We can accommodate the whole team easily."

"Then yeah, I'm with Steve. Let's do it," Bucky said.

"So noted," Phil said, and typed a memo into his Starkphone.

From there, they went on to the weapons locker assigned for this project. SHIELD might be questionable in some ways, but they had connections when it came to arsenal, even if they never had managed to con Tony Stark into making weapons for them. What they had was a selection of the world's top sniper rifles, along with some lesser options for comparison.

Wesson went right to the fanciest ones, long lean things with complicated scopes. Phil had to admit that the kid had a good eye for hardware.

"No," Bucky said at once. "That's too much gun for you to start with."

Wesson gave him a look like a kid who just had his candy stolen. "But they said I could pick any of these."

"You can. That doesn't mean you'll be able to _use_ them." Bucky shook his head, then picked out several of the simpler rifles. "Here, these are good learner guns. If you can hit the target with any three of these, then I'll let you try out one of the elite rifles so you can see why you're not ready for it yet."

To Phil's great satisfaction, Wesson lifted his chin and said, "Yes, sir."

"I can help with targeting," Clint said. "You'll need some good variety if you want to compare what those rifles can really do. Some of my archery targets might suit better than ordinary range papers."

"You have Starktech targets here?" Bucky said, lighting up.

"A few, yeah, and some other goodies," Clint said. "Did you know some archery supply companies make fantasy models? I've got a velociraptor, if nobody's stolen it."

"What's a velociraptor?" Bucky said.

"Oh man, we've gotta introduce you to the Jurassic Park movies," Clint said. "I think you'll like them."

Phil cleared his throat.

"Well, you'll like the dinosaurs," Clint amended. "We might need to edit out some of the other bits, but JARVIS is good at that."

"May I try this gun, sir?" Wesson asked. He held out one of the midrange rifles, a delicate-looking thing with a long thin scope.

Bucky examined it, looking curious. "I'm not familiar with this model."

"It's a hunting rifle, a great one," Clint said. "You can make one hell of a poacher's shot with that thing, whether you're hunting deer or long pig. Check out the scope."

Bucky looked through the scope and grinned. "Yeah, this one might be just at the edge of what you can really handle right now," he said. "We'll take it."

"What do you want me to do?" Steve asked.

"Since they won't need you until later, I have a different mission in mind for you," Phil said.

"Yes, sir," Steve said easily.

"Very good. Come with me," Phil said. He led Steve to his office. Then he shut the door and ran his usual sweep for bugs, finding nothing.

Steve waited patiently for him to finish, then said, "Orders, sir?"

"Members of the brass have been causing problems for the Avengers, some SHIELD personnel, and veterans," Phil said as he took out a secure laptop and made a call. "Your mission is stop as much of that nonsense as you can."

"You want me to trade on my fame," Steve said flatly. He hated doing that.

"I want you to solve the problems," Phil said. "How you do that is up to you, bearing in mind they are American citizens and not enemy soldiers."

Steve relaxed. "Now that I can do," he said, bouncing a little in place.

The call connected. "Colonel Rhodes, I'd like you to meet Steve Rogers," Phil said. "Steve, Rhodey is one of Tony's friends, but you haven't met him due to some logistical issues."

"Tony said the ... people in power were keeping him away from the few friends he has in the military," Steve said.

Tony had said a lot of things, but mostly in words of four letters.

"Yeah well, SHIELD isn't doing much better," Rhodey said. "Tony told me about some of Fury's abuses. Seriously, the trouble Tony gets into when I'm not there to protect him ...!"

Steve chuckled. "You sound like Bucky."

"I'd like to meet this Bucky," said Rhodey.

"Bucky is downstairs trying to teach a new recruit how to snipe," Steve said. "They're going to be chasing me around an obstacle course later."

"Oh, you get all the _fun_ jobs!" Rhodey said, laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Copycat Exercise appears in this set of [communication games and activities](https://positivepsychology.com/communication-games-and-activities/). [Blocked Perspective](https://www.trainingwheelsgear.com/products/blocked-perspective) shows the same structure from different angles, which people have to copy. [Director, Runner, Builder, Observer](https://hthu.net/site/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Leadership-Team-Building-Blocks.pdf) requires players to pass information among several people. There are [many other games for communication and teamwork](https://blog.trainerswarehouse.com/communication-exercises). Games with blocks benefit from creating [consistent play sets](http://www.bybmgblog.com/2015/08/tuesday-talk-busy-bag-lego-kit-with.html).
> 
> [Exotic archery targets](https://www.archery360.com/2018/04/12/check-exciting-3-d-targets/) include velociraptors, zombies, and other interesting things.
> 
> [Jurassic Park](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic_Park) is a franchise about recreating dinosaurs.
> 
> A [poacher's shot](https://archive.org/stream/Secret_HomesteadSurvivalPrepper_Files/Butchering_djvu.txt) refers to shooting through the top of the deer's spine just below the skull. It makes a clean kill or a clean miss, with almost no chance of a nonlethal wound. The deer just drops in its tracks, or else it runs away. It's an expert shot because there's so little fault tolerance, but if you have the right equipment and enough skill -- and the willingness to gamble a bit -- then it can save you hours of tracking and it doesn't muss the meat.
> 
> [ Long pig](https://www.etymonline.com/word/long%20pig) is slang for human as prey.


	3. Shaping Up Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil does paperwork while Captain America deals with the brass who are separating Rhodey and Tony.

As Phil had hoped, the two of them were getting along much better than Phil and Rhodey had. The brass wouldn't know what hit them. And if they just so happened to start with some of the ones behind keeping Tony and Rhodey separated, well, Phil wouldn't mind a bit.

Much as Tony valued the Avengers, they were relatively new in his life. He needed his old support network too, and there wasn't a lot of it. He couldn't afford to lose Rhodey just because some officers resented the connection between him and Tony.

After all, if it hadn't been for Rhodey, then Iron Man might never have made it out of Afghanistan alive, and without him the Battle of Manhattan could have ended very differently. That would have been a bad day for Earth.

Smiling, Phil opened his own computer and began working through the backlog of tasks.

Most of the new recruits were shaping up well. Gable was thrilled at the chance to mix theatrics and espionage. Distractions was thrilled to have a recruit to _wanted_ to be there. Meanwhile Brown had gone through the basic first aid classes, passing them with capable scores -- which was quite good for someone who had little prior training -- and then started paramedic training. That would soon bring him up to where he could be used in the field if needed, such as ground support for the Avengers here in New York.

Agent Smith and Agent Jones had logged in as mentors of the new pairs, even though they were linemen rather than handlers, because these recruits needed training that supported their developing connections. Even FitzSimmons had pitched in to demonstrate some of the different kinds of work that a pair could do in SHIELD.

Captain America's voice raised in a sharp criticism. Evidently he had moved on from talking with Rhodey to talking with some of the brass.

Phil looked up and winced. Even a glancing blow from Captain America's glare of disapproval was uncomfortable. Phil pulled out a folding privacy screen and propped it on his desk. He really should have done that when he took the safety off Rogers earlier.

Then he turned his attention back to his own work.

Checking on the aftermath of the bugs, Phil discovered that the firebomb proposal had been abandoned in favor of insecticides and bioweapons. Conventional insecticides hadn't done much, but several researchers had claimed different jungle plants to extract toxins targeted to engineered proteins in the bugs. A couple of others were investigating parasitic wasps, a slower but much more targeted approach as the wasps would actively seek out their prey. Phil bumped that to the top of priority list. As long as the wasps didn't kill every other insect in sight, it seemed like the most promising. Then he saw that FitzSimmons had logged a project that involved something which turned caterpillars into zombies and then liquefied them.

Phil swallowed hard and closed the file. Then he moved that project to the bottom of the list, after the firebomb proposal. There was just too much danger should that kind of bioweapon escape containment. Phil sent FitzSimmons a stern email to that effect.

They were wonderful scientists, really they were, but those two just had _no brakes_.

Of course, it wasn't just FitzSimmons. SHIELD in general had a bad habit of mistaking _could_ for _should_. Phil waded through his email, pinched the bridge of his nose, and wished he was at home where JARVIS would send delicious tidbits to his office and remind him to take breaks. Or shut off his computer if he tried to ignore the breaks. SHIELD just kept going, sometimes long past the point when it was advisable to stop.

Evidently other people had come to a similar conclusion. MI6 reported that the Queen had dispatched Agent Sharon Carter to keep an eye on SHIELD.

Phil looked up at Captain America, who was busy reaming somebody a new one. That was going to be an ... interesting encounter. Phil would need to tell Steve in advance so he wasn't caught off-guard by meeting Peggy Carter's niece. Steve had gotten enough shocks from the modern world without adding that one.

Phil's computer chimed. A message from Bucky included a video attachment. Watching it, Phil saw that Wesson really had good aim, even this early in his training. The boy had done well enough with the simpler rifles, and then the elegant hunting gun, that Bucky had let him try a few of the advanced ones. Wesson was forced to admit that they were "too much gun for him" just as Bucky said, but he'd managed to hit the target with one, which was impressive. Those fancy ones had settings that could help you aim down to the millimeter _if_ you knew what you were doing, and throw you off entirely if you didn't.

Another message made Phil smile. Clint was going to need a new velociraptor, because they'd taken the hunting rifle and tried poacher shots with it -- which actually was one of the few ways to drop a dinosaur effectively. You never knew exactly where the heart and lungs would be, and the skull was usually protected enough that nothing less than armor-piercing rounds could get through. But the spine had joints, which made it more vulnerable.

Typing briskly, Phil ordered a new velociraptor target for Clint as recompense for the one sacrificed to whimsical SHIELD training. He also sent a picture of the headless remains to Tony, who enjoyed tinkering with exotic targets. Maybe Tony could figure out how to make one with a replaceable neck insert -- the standard targets had a block in the torso wherever the kill zone was, so you didn't have to replace the whole target. They weren't cheap.

 _Is Steve available?_ the next message read. _We're ready to move into the obstacle course. Wesson is decent with the paintball rifle, even though it's clunky_.

 _We're on our way,_ Phil replied, then shut down his computer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Do not open this link unless you like both insects and gross things.)  
> There really is a virus that [turns caterpillars into zombies and then liquefies them](https://www.livescience.com/15962-zombie-caterpillar-virus.html).
> 
> Hunting anatomy concerns the location of vital organs as kill zones, [which varies considerably across species](https://www.quora.com/How-can-one-minimise-meat-damage-when-hunting-with-high-velocity-rifle-cartridges). Common game species are well documented in this regard. Recreated dinosaurs pose more of a challenge.


	4. Enough Food for a Picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Steve wrap up in the office, then go to the range, where they discover that Sitwell has provided even more lunch.

"Time to go," Phil said to Steve.

"Well, when you find the map to your backside, let me know," Steve said.

Phil blinked. Then he realized that Steve was talking to someone else through the computer.

"Okay, Phil, I'm ready to go," Steve said, closing the laptop. He handed it back to Phil.

Stowing the laptop in the drawer, Phil stood up. "Wesson is doing well. I hope you're up for a good run."

"Oh yeah, I need to work off the stress," Steve said. "Those people are -- I'm glad I work with you now."

"I'm glad too," Phil said, and it wasn't just because he idolized Captain America. Steve Rogers deserved better than he'd gotten from the Army. Rhodey deserved better than he was getting from the Air Force, too.

Phil and Steve walked to the range together. Other agents saw them coming and drifted out of the way. A few stopped and stared, because well, Captain America. Phil scowled at them and shooed them away. Distractible agents were not good assets.

In an open area near the range, Clint and Bucky were eating lunch with Wesson and Sitwell, who had somehow procured enough food for a picnic. Steve's stomach growled.

Of course that made Bucky scramble up to hand Steve a sandwich. "The meatloaf is really good, and there's pastrami on rye if you want more."

"Try a salad roll too," Clint said. "They're surprisingly not bad." He wasn't the vegetable fan that Bucky and Steve were, so that was high praise. Clint would eat marshmallow cereal out of the box if you let him.

Curious, Phil took a pastrami sandwich and a salad roll. The former was familiar. The latter was something-or-other wrapped in lettuce leaves. Phil bit into it and raised eyebrows in surprise. The lettuce and tomato he expected, but not the rest. "Is this ... cream cheese?" he said.

"Yes, with garden vegetables for seasoning," Sitwell said. "It takes the place of salad dressing. It has more calories, more protein, and doesn't drip."

Phil immediately turned his upside down and held his hand underneath. It didn't drip. "Clever. Also delicious."

"Well, thank Recruit Clark when you see her. She brought them in for lunch the other day, and now some of the others are copying them. I got the recipe from her," Sitwell said.

Phil thought about how hard it was to keep assets on a balanced diet in the field, where salads were just too sloppy and most vegetables were either impractical or unappetizing. This was an elegant solution, no messier than an egg roll but much healthier. "Where in the world did she get the idea for this?"

"Cheerleading," Sitwell said with a smirk.

It made Phil wonder how long Sitwell would wait before pumping Clark for more information -- and offering tidbits in exchange. Like Phil, but unlike most other agents, Sitwell had a knack for drawing skills across gender lines. If Clark had been a cheerleader, and was now leaning toward field leader, she might have the same potential. "Have you told the story about Istanbul yet?"

"No, Clint was telling the one about you and the flour," Wesson said.

"Which one about the flour?" Steve said, chuckling.

"The one in the convenience store," Wesson said.

"I was going to follow it up with the time you took out a HYDRA nest with a flour bomb," Sitwell said.

"Well, don't let us stop you, Steve and I need to finish lunch," said Phil. "Just don't stuff yourselves, because some of you will be getting a workout later."

"After we walk a few laps to warm up, because otherwise Dr. Banner will skin us," Steve said.

So Phil enjoyed his lunch -- there were even some date-nut cookies for dessert -- while listening to Clint and Sitwell talk about his various uses of flour as defense, offense, and espionage material. He also typed in a commendation for Clark's file. Those salad rolls were really something.

After lunch, they went to the obstacle course. Wesson was excited. Steve was mischievous. Bucky looked a little tense.

"How are you doing?" Phil murmured.

"Not really relaxed about someone shooting at Steve, but Wesson needs someone who knows the game and can give him a run for his money," said Bucky. "It can't be me, too much chance I'd flip out. Here, I've got you for an anchor."

Phil thought about it for a minute. "Switch out the color of the paintballs. Use something other than red." That was the standard, until they needed different colors for multiple players or teams.

"Oh, that's a good idea," Bucky said, looking relieved. He went over to talk with Wesson, and they settled on orange.

Soon Steve got a chance to dash through the obstacle course, trying to elude Wesson's aim. Steve's speed and strength gave him a clear advantage as he vaulted over low walls and dove through open windows that everyone else would have to climb.

Wesson didn't come anywhere near him on the first run. Bucky murmured encouragement and waved for Steve to make another lap.

It wasn't until the third that Wesson said, "Hey, I think I got him!" as Steve walked back to them.

"No you didn't," Steve said.

"But you have orange on you," Wesson said.

Phil looked. Wesson hadn't actually hit him, but Steve _did_ have a few flecks of orange paint on his clothes. "It must have splashed off a wall."

Naturally that started a more-or-less friendly argument over what "counted" as a hit.

"If you want to see Steve get hit for real, let Phil take a turn," Clint said.

"I thought Agent Coulson preferred handguns," Wesson said.

"I do," Phil said.

"Oh, believe me, he can hit what he aims at," Clint said dryly. He would know. After all, Phil had to shoot him just to get close to him, back when they first met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy a recipe for [Pastrami on Rye](https://www.jamesbeard.org/recipes/original-19-hot-pastrami-sandwich).
> 
> The [Salad Rolls](https://www.sarcasticcooking.com/2019/02/19/new-york-style-scallion-cream-cheese-turkey-lettuce-wraps/) use [Veggie Cream Cheese Spread](https://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/veggie-cream-cheese-spread/). You can wrap almost anything edible in lettuce, and if you know how to fold it properly, it will stay put, just like a good egg roll. Many different condiments will work, but using a cream cheese base has the advantages that it won't drip, won't make everything else soggy, has more calories, and has more protein.
> 
> The Date-Nut Cookies are similar to these [Oat-Date Protein Cookies](https://omnomally.com/2012/10/15/oat-date-protein-cookies/), but with [macadamia nuts](https://www.stylecraze.com/articles/amazing-health-benefits-of-macadamia-nuts/) added. Any [high-calorie nuts or seeds](https://www.myfooddata.com/articles/nuts-seeds-high-in-calories.php) should work, though. It's an easy way to turn dessert from empty calories to full.
> 
> Clint tells Bucky about [Phil's escapade in the convenience store with the bag of flour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAE0gbp0c5E). Then Sitwell mentions Phil making a flour bomb. A [flour bomb](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flour_bomb) is a type of [dust explosion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_explosion), and it's [a lot more powerful](http://scribol.com/science/the-tremendously-explosive-power-of-flour) than most (city) people expect. You can [blow up a building with it](http://everything2.com/title/Blow+up+a+building+with+a+sack+of+flour+and+two+rounds+of+ammunition). Watch [a video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIkk0D2tUU8). So now you have some ideas in case you ever get cornered by HYDRA in a place with food supplies.
> 
> This is a good example of an [urban combat obstacle course](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f0/c8/64/f0c8647afaee039f72759e2e0bb58c1d.jpg).


	5. That Could Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The recruits finally get to try their skills against Steve on the obstacle course.

So they found a handgun for Phil, and he loaded it with blue paintballs to distinguish from Wesson's spatters. He fired a few rounds at paper targets to get a feel for it. Then he waved for Steve to begin his run.

Steve loped easily through the course, and Phil let him go, just watching to see how he moved. Phil let his attention narrow to gun in his hand and the target in his sight. He waited for Steve to pop up after diving through a window, then pulled the trigger.

A blue splotch appeared on Steve's back.

Clint whooped. "Way to go!"

Wesson was staring at Phil with open admiration. "How did you _do_ that?"

"Years of practice," Phil said. "Do the exercises that Sergeant Barnes will show you, and you'll learn that kind of skill with your chosen weapon."

"I really like the hunting rifle," Wesson said. "I can just barely handle it now, but it feels right."

"It's a good gun," Bucky said. "More finesse than power, though."

"Sometimes finesse is what we want," Sitwell said. "You can handle heavier guns than anyone else, but I'm guessing you don't care for the lightweights."

"Yeah," Bucky said, flexing his hands. "I can't always feel a hair-trigger well enough, and if the gun's too light, sometimes it moves when I don't want it to. I don't see the point."

"So you don't have to carry as much weight," Clint said instantly. "Like if you hang glide or parachute in, or you have to run over ratlines to reach your post, or that time in Novosibirsk we had to cross a frozen lake. In spring."

"I could learn to parachute?" Wesson said, lighting up.

"Sure, we can add that to your program," Bucky said. "Right, Phil? It's a useful skill."

"Certainly," Phil agreed. "In fact, I'll set that as the reward for fully qualifying with the beginner-level sniper rifles."

"Shall we bring in the other team now?" Sitwell said.

"Yeah, Steve's nowhere near tired and I'd enjoy seeing those four in action," Bucky said.

"All right, I'll call them in," Sitwell said. He sent a message to Jones.

Soon Smith and Jones arrived with Brooks and Moore, Jackson and Johnson. Bucky explained the parameters. Steve would run the course while the four recruits tried to tag him and Wesson used his paint gun to stop them. The chasers chalked their hands with purple to show if they managed to touch Steve.

At first, it was laughable. The four never got anywhere near Steve on the first run, and Wesson shot Brooks and Jackson. On the second and third runs, Wesson got all four of them. He really was quite good.

But on the fourth run, Jackson and Johnson suddenly turned broadside to Wesson, blocking the view. He shot them both -- but Brooks and Moore sprang an ambush on Steve even as the two men were falling down "dead," and tackled him to the ground.

Beside Phil, Bucky was shaking.

"Stand down!" Phil shouted, and everyone got up. Steve had purple handprints _all over_ him. Brooks and Moore were grinning. Steve was laughing and congratulating them.

"Bucky?" said Phil. "It's just a drill."

"I know but -- but that could -- it could _happen,"_ Bucky choked.

"I saw it too," Phil said. "Now that we know that maneuver is a credible threat, we can talk it out and plan countermeasures."

"I would have shot right through them, but most people aren't me," Bucky said, "and _I'm not in the field_ to protect him."

"It's okay, Bucky, I'm safe," Steve said, dusting chalk off himself. "We'll sort out some options. You have to admit, that was a great strategy."

Smith pulled Bucky off to the side to add some other encouragement, while Jones congratulated the foursquare on their accomplishment. Phil made a note to offer them first choice of training opportunities as a reward.

"I think that's enough excitement for the day," Phil declared. "We should head back to the Tower soon."

"Yeah, it's been -- I've had enough," Bucky said.

"No problem, we met our goals," Steve said.

"Thank you all for training us," Wesson said. "We've learned a lot."

"You're welcome," Steve said. "You're good. Keep up the hard work and maybe we can train again some time."

"Quite possibly," Phil said.

He led the Avengers out of the area. Nobody intercepted them on the way out of SHIELD.

"I'm glad I could help with the recruits," Bucky said. "It feels good to do something useful."

"I appreciate the help," Phil said. He looked at Clint, who seemed a little more relaxed than earlier. "Clint, how did your day go?"

"Fine," Clint said.

"Yeah, some creepy dame tried to bother him, but I ran her off," Bucky said.

Phil's eyebrows went up. "Creepy dame? Clint, did you see who that was? Anyone you recognize?"

"Agent Morse is slow on the uptake," Clint grumbled. "You don't need to make a big deal of it. Besides, it's handled."

That it was. Phil just worried that on a bad day, "handled" might involved the Winter Soldier throwing Agent Morse through a wall. That might be just _slightly_ excessive force for harassing Clint, but any nontrivial damage to SHIELD facilities generated a mountain of paperwork that even Phil didn't like to contemplate. It was deliberately so, to discourage agents from roughhousing in the halls. However, continuing to press Clint on this topic was unlikely to improve the matter any.

The rest of the ride home was mostly quiet. Everyone seemed glad to get back to the Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The [spectrum of force](https://www.ottawapolice.ca/uploads/635718649546702812_Final.jpg) moves from nonviolent through violent to lethal methods. Ideally, one should aim for the [probable logical control mode](http://www.pss.cc/images/UOFM%202010v8..jpg): just enough to meet the goal.
> 
> Superpowers add a whole new level of complexity to [use of force](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Use_of_force) and the [continuum of appropriate force](http://www.nij.gov/topics/law-enforcement/officer-safety/use-of-force/pages/continuum.aspx). In LIFC, many superheroes -- and even some supervillains -- adhere to the principle of using the least force necessary to reach a goal. Using unrestrained superpowers against an ordinary opponent typically constitutes [excessive force](http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=96509), unless said opponent has a gun or other equalizer. Here's an excellent discussion of [appropriate force for superheroes](http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2012/07/19/the-fall-and-rise-of-the-dark-knight-the-difficulties-of-batmans-life-while-he-exists/) with regards to Batman.


	6. Paperwork Waiting for Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After returning to the Tower, the Avengers relax or work on various projects before gathering to share supper.

Once the Avengers got home, Phil went to his apartment to relax a little. He stretched out on the couch and read several short stories from a magazine that the Tower subscribed to. There were always magazines in the lounges and other public areas, and any of the residents to could have a copy sent to their apartment if they wanted. The _New York Noodle_ had stories by local writers, most short enough to read in a few minutes.

After that, Phil moved to his office and found some paperwork waiting for him. JARVIS had filled out the paperwork for Agent Morse harassing Clint again, with Clint's wishes copied from previous forms and the latest incident described along with a clip from a security camera. Phil watched Morse crowd Clint and then Bucky's hands clench. He saw the way Bucky got between the two agents and used his mass to move Morse away from Clint, and realized that if she didn't quit this she really was going to get hurt. Or fired, considering how fast she was wracking up negative paperwork. Phil signed the forms and filed them. That would help to move the process along.

Next, Phil checked his email. Nothing serious, although one of the scientists had made the serendipitous discovery that her plant-based insecticide killed cockroaches, ants, fruit flies, and various other pests. That rendered it unfeasible in a jungle full of species they'd rather not kill, but potentially useful for fumigating buildings if it proved safe enough. Phil sent a note suggesting Bannertech as a possible route of exploration.

Then his service door chimed. Phil went to investigate and found a cart with a bottle of green tea and a cup of mixed fruit wedges that had some sort of dip at the bottom. He pulled out an apple to sample and discovered that the dip was honey-roasted peanut butter.

"Thank you, JARVIS. This is perfect," Phil said, taking his bounty back to his desk. It was so good to be home.

He got an email from Bruce. It just said, _Really?_

 _Yes, really,_ Phil replied. _You don't have to get involved if you're too busy with your own projects, but biological compounds are right up your alley. I know you take great care to minimize collateral damage. Also, I think it would be good for you and everyone else to have some interaction with SHIELD that does not revolve around violence_.

 _Good points,_ Bruce said. _Okay, I'll take a look at this possible insecticide. Betty and I are running some gamma studies today but they won't be done for hours, so we have time to kill_.

That reminded Phil to check on Clint, who seemed all right. Clint was stretched out in his loft hammock, reading an old Doc Savage novel. Natasha was flowing up and down a set of bars in their apartment. It really had a lot of features for three-dimensional living. Tony had outdone himself designing the place, although the finishing touches came from Clint and Natasha themselves.

Steve was in the gym working out again. Bucky was trying to meditate, though from his restless shifting, it didn't look like he was having much success. Several empty yogurt tubes lay scattered around him. Tony was in his workshop, doing something with the Iron Man suit.

That reminded Phil that he hadn't done his own homework for the day. "JARVIS, please pull up the next Starktech exercise for me," he said.

The screen cleared and then presented symbols in Tony's proprietary computer language. In addition to the simple characters that served as an alphabet, there were also more complex ones that stood for whole concepts or processes. While challenging to learn, Phil had to admit that it was concise and efficient. He wondered if Tony had gotten the idea from Japanese with its dual writing system.

Phil got so engrossed in the lesson that he lost track of time. The chime startled him.

"My apologies for interrupting, Phil, but it is almost time for supper," said JARVIS.

Phil glanced at the time display. "So it is," he said, shutting down his computer. "Thank you for reminding me."

He took the elevator to the common floor. Someone had evidently ordered supper, because Clint and Natasha were unpacking a service cart laden with a large container of fragrant soup and a giant carton of salad with several types of dressing. One end of the cart held bag after bag of different breads. Phil could identify focaccia, ciabatta, and garlic breadsticks but there were others he didn't even recognize.

"Soup of the day?" Phil asked.

"Minestrone from Tomasino's," said Clint.

"Well, that explains the Italian bread," Phil said. "It smells wonderful."

"Thank you, Phil," said JARVIS. "The new bakery seems quite promising. You will have to tell me how the bread tastes."

"Yeah, nobody felt like cooking today, so JARVIS ordered supper," Clint said.

"I already put the cannoli in the refrigerator," said Natasha. "Additionally there is a gallon of spumoni ice cream."

"Did we get chinotto?" Clint said, poking around the cart, but by now it was empty. "I always want chinotto with Italian."

Well, that was better than Grant, who always wanted wine, and sometimes overindulged.

"I regret that I did not place an order for chinotto with supper," said JARVIS. "However, there is some in sir's workshop refrigerator. I will ask him to bring up a six-pack."

Tony loved exotic sodas and fruit juices. Phil wasn't surprised that he liked chinotto. He also had a collection of aperitifs and bitters, which even Bruce appreciated, although Bruce rarely indulged in alcoholic beverages.  
Steve showed up, freshly showered and still slightly damp, his T-shirt clinging to his skin. "I threw together a fruit salad," he said. He set a big bowl on the table and popped the lid off.

Bucky ghosted in behind him, looking tired. Of course, Bucky had worked the hardest, showing Wesson how to choose and shoot all those guns, then taking him on a tour of the obstacle course before having him shoot through it. SHIELD wasn't easy for Bucky. He'd burned a lot of energy today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Green tea has many benefits](https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/11-benefits-of-green-tea-that-you-didnt-know-about.html).
> 
> Here is a recipe for homemade [Honey-Roasted Peanut Butter](https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/how-to-make-homemade-peanut-butter/). To make healthy snack cups: Put some peanut butter, salad dressing, or other dip in the bottom of a cup. Cut fruit and/or vegetables into finger-sized pieces. Stand them up on end and stick them in the cup so their bottoms rest in the dip.
> 
> [Mindfulness](http://www.mindfulnet.org/page2.htm) has [many benefits](http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition). [Meditation](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/03/new-to-mindfulness-how-to-get-started/) is a good starting point, and there are [other exercises for mind/body awareness](http://www.mindful.org/five-steps-to-mindfulness/#). Some people have found such techniques helpful for relieving traumatic stress.
> 
> Enjoy recipes for [Minestrone Soup](https://www.foodiecrush.com/best-minestrone-soup/), [Big Italian Salad](https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/big-italian-salad), [Focaccia Bread](https://www.baked-theblog.com/easy-focaccia-bread-recipe-plus-40-topping-ideas/), [Ciabatta Bread](https://leitesculinaria.com/79221/recipes-ciabatta.html), [Garlic Breadsticks](https://www.thespruceeats.com/garlic-breadsticks-4150711), [Cannoli](https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alexandra-guarnaschelli/homemade-cannoli-recipe-2042720), and [Spumoni Ice Cream](https://www.thespruceeats.com/spumoni-ice-cream-4688882).
> 
> Chinotto is both the name of a [bittersweet citrus fruit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citrus_myrtifolia) and a [bubbly beverage made from it](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinotto_\(drink\)). The beverage cuts the heavy flavors of Italian food.
> 
> Steve's [Coconut Tropical Fruit Salad](https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/coconut-tropical-fruit-salad/) includes a number of [high-nutrient fruits](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/high-calorie-fruits#fresh-fruits).


	7. What the Fuck Just Happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as the Avengers are getting ready for supper, an unexpected trigger makes Bucky snap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The notes are long, so I moved some here.
> 
> (Some of these links are horrifying.)  
> The [mad scientist is an entertainment trope](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MadScientist), but also appears [throughout much of history](http://www.oddee.com/item_96484.aspx). Unlike most horror archetypes, [mad scientists are scary](http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/the-enduring-scariness-of-the-mad-scientist/382064/) precisely because they are real; the fictional ones derive their terror from the real ones. People sometimes wonder [what makes a mad scientist](https://acsundergrad.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/do-you-have-the-mad-scientist-in-you/) and whether they could be one. There is actually [a link between genius and what is considered insanity](http://www.medicaldaily.com/scientists-find-truth-mad-scientist-stereotype-there-link-between-genius-and-insanity-240684). Most mad scientists are [really just mad engineers](http://www.patheos.com/blogs/religionprof/2013/01/mad-engineers.html), but some do attempt to go through the motions of scientific method.
> 
> (More ghastly links.)  
> [Research on human subjects](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_subject_research) is supposed to have [careful ethics](https://depts.washington.edu/bioethx/topics/resrch.html). However, [human experimentation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_human_experimentation) and [medical torture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_torture) have a [long and ugly history](http://www.healthline.com/health-news/strange-the-sordid-history-of-human-experimentation-101213). Efforts to stop them have been haphazard, often hindered by people who find the proposed laws or rules to be inconvenient. The [motivations are questionable](http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/nazi-medical-experiments/).

"Here Buck, start on this," Steve said, handing him a breadstick. Natasha was still setting the table.

"Thanks," Bucky said as he took it. He wolfed it down in a few bites. "Mmm, Italian. Tomasino's always makes me feel better. The minestrone smells good, almost as good as their tomato."

"Somebody order chinotto?" Tony said as he strode in with a six-pack swinging easily from his fingers.

"Yo," Clint said, holding up a hand. Tony tossed him a bottle and put the rest on the table.

Phil brought milk and juice from the refrigerator, then set them down beside the chinotto. Steve followed him, putting out the glasses. Clint was already drinking out of the bottle.

Happy chatter sounded outside as Bruce and Betty arrived, still in their lab coats, talking animatedly about bugs and biotoxins and gamma rays. Threads of several conversations wove over and around each other at a speed that only Tony might have followed. Phil himself was hopelessly lost.

Bucky was halfway blocking the door. Bruce patted him on the shoulder to move him out of the way.

And Bucky _snapped_.

With a growl, he grabbed Bruce under the chin and slammed him against the wall. His right hand reached for a knife.

Suddenly Hulk was there. He rolled them smoothly along the wall, pressing Bucky against it, and sheltering him against everyone else in the room. Hulk was so big that he dwarfed Bucky, who was barely visible beneath the green bulk.

"Shh now," Hulk said. "Okay Bucky. Quiet. Soft. Everything fine. Home. Safe. Tower good. Easy now. Safe."

  
He was talking to Bucky. Talking him _down_. Phil could see the clenched hands, flesh and metal, starting to relax. Who knew that Hulk's great voice could turn into a soothing rumble almost as hypnotic as Bruce's? But it was working.

"What the fuck just happened?" Tony said.

It had happened so fast that nobody else had time to react. Hulk's reflexes were instantaneous.

"I -- I think we spooked Bucky," said Betty. "This is all our fault."

"No, the real fault lies in the past," Phil said. "Don't borrow blame that doesn't belong to you."

"We shouldn't have worn our coats out of the lab, though. There's a rule and this is why we have it," Betty said. She stripped off the white coat and wadded it up, then looked around.

"Here," Clint said, opening the cabinet door that hid the kitchen laundry basket for used dishtowels and such. Betty tossed in her lab coat. Clint closed the door.

Phil watched Hulk work. It was impressive. One big hand stroked Bucky's hair. Bucky was clinging to him for comfort, now, not trying to throw him off. Hulk murmured reassurance the whole time.

"Hulk, status check," JARVIS said softly.

"Home. Safe. Nobody hurt. Nobody hunting us. Okay now," Hulk said.

"That's good to hear," JARVIS replied.

 _That sounds like something they've done before,_ Phil realized. "JARVIS, would you mind explaining that exchange a little more? I don't think I've heard about it," Phil said aloud. He should have known, though. That was disconcerting.

"I'm sorry, Phil, that information is unavailable at this time," JARVIS said.

Phil opened his mouth to argue, because he was the team handler and this obviously concerned the team.

"Okay tell," Hulk said then.

"Thank you, Hulk," said JARVIS. "Phil, I've been helping Hulk pay attention to what is going around him when he comes out -- where he is, whether it is safe or not, how he feels, and what happens. He asked me to be discreet about our interactions for concern that Bruce might find them alarming."

"After what I've seen of Bruce's skittish nature, I can't say that kind of worry is unfounded," Phil said. "Thank you for sharing now. I'm glad you two have been working on this. It seems to be effective."

"Uh huh," Hulk said.

Bucky was crying on Hulk now, still clinging to him for support. Phil wasn't sure whether that was a good sign or a bad sign.

Hulk leaned down to murmur a question.

Bucky nodded.

Hulk picked him up, cradling the big soldier in his arms like a toddler. Bucky curled up into a ball, which only strengthened the impression. At the doorway, Hulk paused. There were double doors between the kitchen and the common room, half-open now. It was going to be a snug fit.

Clint and Natasha moved forward, pulling the doors out of the way. That helped a little. Hulk looked at the doorway, turned around, and then carefully backed through it, hunching over Bucky to shield him as green flesh scraped against the doorframe.

Phil winced. That didn't sound comfortable, even though Hulk was bulletproof.

"Okay couch?" Hulk asked, looking at Phil.

"Yes, you can put Bucky on the couch," Phil said.

Hulk lowered Bucky onto the cushions. Steve slipped past them and fetched a blanket. As soon as Hulk let go, Steve spread the blanket over Bucky. Instead of trying to sit on the furniture, Hulk simply hunkered down at one end of the couch. Bucky curled into a ball of misery again.

Behind them, Natasha pulled the kitchen doors closed. That would give them some privacy, without cutting everyone else off from supper.

"Does anyone know what the hey just happened?" Steve said.

"I believe the lab coats combined with an unexpected touch may have triggered a flashback," Phil said. "It could be more than that, or something else entirely, but we won't know for sure until Bucky can tell us himself."

"Which could be a while," Steve said, looking at Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (These are just sad.)  
> [Trauma triggers](http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/) reactivate [memories of bad things](http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/flashbacks-experiencing-distress-in-safety.html) that happened to someone, [throwing the person into survival mode](https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/self-regulation-and-addictions/getting-triggered/). This [restimulation](https://web.archive.org/web/20160329132442/http://www.tir.org/research_pub/art/primary-resolution-ptsd.html) can get worse as [compound triggers](https://www.meadowfamilyrescue.com/trigger-stacking) pile up. [Trauma-informed care](http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/ODVN_Trauma-InformedCareBestPracticesAndProtocols.pdf) offers best practices for supporting people with various types of [post-traumatic stress](http://healmyptsd.com/education/ptsd-caregivers-support/10-tips).
> 
> [Touch aversion](https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9250982.html) can come from [trauma](https://aimee-davis.com/tag/touch-aversion-related-to-ptsd/) or [other causes](https://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/12/what-can-you-do-if-you-dislike-being-touched/). People [need to understand this](https://www.davidtreleaven.com/blog/2018/4/11/why-do-we-need-trauma-sensitive-mindfulness), because [consent applies to contact in general](http://www.yogabuzz.org/blog/please-dont-touch-trauma-consent-mat/), not just in sexual contexts. [Informed mindfulness](https://centerforadolescentstudies.com/trauma-informed-mindfulness-with-teenagers-9-guidelines/) can help guide people out of trauma reactions.
> 
> (More touchy topics here.)  
> [Fight behavior](https://www.drewcochranlaw.com/criminal-defense/ptsd-induced-violence/) is one of [several trauma responses](http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm) that can happen in an emergency, a panic attack, or other situations. It makes [time seem to slow down](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-time/201707/the-matrix-effect-when-time-slows-down) or even stop. The best rendition I've seen is [the Deep Space Nine introduction](https://thepathtomyheart.com/2018/04/30/we-do-not-completely-exist-in-linear-time-most-of-us-have-pieces-stuck-in-other-timelines-needing-our-help/) in which Benjamin Sisko meets the wormhole aliens and they demonstrate to him that time is not linear by showing how he exists in the moment of his wife's death. A big mistake, however, is claiming that a trauma survivor _chooses_ to do so; that blames the victim. It's a thing that happens to people for various biochemical, spiritual, and/or temporomechanical reasons; nobody chooses to torture themselves and pretty much everyone with flashbacks wishes they didn't have those. There are ways to [stop your flashbacks](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/taking-care-of-you/stop-a-flashback-in-its-tracks) and [help stop someone else's](https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/378/applying-the-brakes).
> 
> [Self-recrimination](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201801/self-blame-how-do-you-respond-when-things-go-wrong) has [positive](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creative-synthesis/201501/shame-and-motivation-change) (discouraging misbehavior) and [negative](https://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20010312/shame-on-you-self-blame-can-literally-make-you-sick) (ruminating over past mistakes) aspects. Thus a certain amount may help, but too much does more harm than good. [Self-compassion](https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/) is [necessary for health](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070516081014.htm). Learn how to [stop beating yourself up over mistakes](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-not-beat-yourself-up-after-screwing-up_b_8576912) and [forgive yourself after hurting someone](https://www.wikihow.com/Forgive-Yourself-After-Hurting-Someone).
> 
> Trauma survivors often struggle identifying safety accurately, so I made a [Safety Tracker](https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9792622.html) for that purpose. Sometimes it helps to have a checklist or someone prompting you to consider your current status.


	8. Not Bucky Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hulk comforts Bucky after the flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end notes are long, so I moved some here.
> 
> Honey doesn't actually spoil because of its antimicrobial qualities. However, it can carry inactive [botulism spores](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-doesnt-honey-spoil_b_1914824), which under certain circumstances may cause problems.
> 
> (These links are sad.)  
> [Post-traumatic stress](http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.htm) comes from [surviving horrific events](http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm). [Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder](http://nobullying.com/pdsd/), aka Compound-PTSD, comes from experiencing not a single disaster but a series of them or a period of extended abuse. PDSD can be harder to treat if the person never had an experience of being safe or getting help, or if times of safety repeatedly fell back into awfulness again. All survivors of mad science torture should be presumed to have PDSD until they can be assessed individually, and should receive trauma-informed care. Understand how to [help someone with traumatic stress](http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-in-the-family.htm).
> 
> (These links are touchy.)  
> The core of [trauma-informed care](https://www.hillsides.org/trauma-informed-care) is asking ["What happened to you?" instead of "What is wrong with you?"](https://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/book/export/html/1681) This forms the basis of the [principles](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227841013_Trauma-informed_or_trauma-denied_Principles_and_implementation_of_trauma-informed_services_for_women) and [practices](https://dhhr.wv.gov/bhhf/ibhc/Documents/Presentations1115/BH%20conferenceTICPrinciples%20%20Case%20Examples%20FINAL.pdf). There are instructions for [supporting trauma survivors](https://themonumentquilt.org/supportingsurvivors.pdf) and [working through your own trauma](https://www.unh.edu/pacs/dealing-effects-trauma-%E2%80%93-self-help-guide). First responders typically have [workplace procedures](http://www.workstress.net/sites/default/files/stressptsd.pdf) to minimize the risk of developing PTSD.

Hulk stroked a finger over Bucky's left shoulder and down toward his elbow. He pulled his hand back and rubbed his fingers together, frowning. "Bad," he said.

"You can feel that?" Phil asked, startled. "Tony says he can, a little bit. There's some kind of power source; we still don't know much about it."

"Hulk know. Bad like spear. Not same, close. Full of anger," Hulk said.

"Loki's spear," Phil said. "Bruce picked it up, on the Helicarrier. We think it made people more prone to fighting. Bruce said that he's always angry, though. How could you tell the difference?"

"Not own anger," Hulk said. "Taste different. Like spoiled honey."

The last phrase plucked sharply at Phil's memory. Spoiled honey he knew from his study of poisons, because it could carry botulism. _Something sweet, turned foul. Something that should heal, turned to harm,_ he mused. Phil wondered how much of that Hulk knew, how much he meant, what he was really saying about the still-mysterious energy buried in Bucky's metal arm. _I'll have to take this up with Tony, and Bruce too once he comes back_.

They all hovered around Bucky, Hulk and Steve at his head and feet, Phil beside him where he'd pushed the coffee table out of the way to make room.. Bucky was still crying, just quieter now.

Steve looked like someone was slowly pulling his heart out through his ribs. Phil felt about the same. Trauma reactions always hurt.

Oddly, Hulk looked concerned but calm. His face was larger, more rough-hewn where Bruce was softer, but the expression was much the same as when Bruce took care of an injured teammate. There was a solidity to Hulk that Phil hadn't seen before, an outgrowth of glimpses that Phil had noticed when Hulk reached out to the other Avengers. This was just ... more, deeper.

Phil sat quietly and watched Hulk work. Maybe it was something Hulk had learned from Dr. Samson, or even Betty. The gentle petting and soft words reminded Phil of how Betty talked about handling Hulk, but some of Hulk's actions seemed more precisely tuned to addressing severe trauma. Phil didn't think it was carryover from Bruce, because Bruce had marginal people skills. Wherever Hulk had gotten his, they were better, and they were improving rapidly. There weren't many people who could handle a panicky supersoldier without _anyone_ getting injured.

Eventually, Hulk's rumbling reassurances must have gotten through. Bucky wound down and stopped crying.

Steve slipped away for a minute, then came back with a wet washcloth. He handed it over. Bucky washed his face, then pressed the cloth over his eyes. Hiding from them, or perhaps, from himself. Finally he gave it back to Steve, who took it to the laundry hamper in the bathroom.

Bucky still wouldn't look at any of them, though, wouldn't meet their eyes. Shame rolled off him in waves.

Hulk patted him gently on the shoulder. "Bucky? Feeling?"

"Not dead yet," Bucky croaked. "I don't -- I don't remember everything that just -- happened." His voice wavered and cracked. "Did I -- did I hurt anyone?"

"No. Hulk come, keep everyone safe," he said.

"Oh. That's good," said Bucky. "God, I'm such a wreck. I'm not even safe around my own people."

"Not Bucky fault," Hulk said.

"Yeah right, somebody _else_ shoved Bruce into a wall," Bucky said.

"Bucky do, Bucky not _choose,"_ Hulk said.

That startled Bucky out of his self-recrimination. "What?" he said.

"Bad people hurt Bucky before. Make trigger. Something remind Bucky of bad things now -- _smash!"_ Hulk said. "Not Bucky fault."

"I guess, maybe," said Bucky.

"Hulk know triggers. Hulk know smash too," he said. "Long time, everyone hurt Hulk. If Hulk out, always smash. Better now. Hulk have friends. Eat food. Tell stories."

"Yeah, I heard about some of that," Bucky said.

"Hulk get better. Bucky get better too," said Hulk.

"If they don't kick me out for being too violent," Bucky said, looking down.

Hulk tucked a huge finger under Bucky's chin and gently tilted his face up. "Hulk smash lots. Team not kick Hulk. Bucky smash little bit. Team not kick Bucky."

"You said it, big guy," Steve added. "We're not kicking anyone out, even people who get upset and smash things sometimes. We've all done it."

"Really?" Bucky said.

"I kill heavy bags," Steve said.

"I might possibly have set fire to an offending file cabinet once," Phil said, and rubbed his mouth. He'd been younger and more volatile then. There had been extenuating circumstances. But still, it was an embarrassing memory.

"Huh," Bucky said. "That's kind of encouraging, in a way. If it lasts."

"We won't let you down," Steve promised. "I'm with you to the end of the line."

"Yeah," Bucky said. "I'm glad. I shouldn't be, but I'm glad."

"No 'should' about it, Bucky, it just is what it is. Family." Steve gave a crooked smile. "I'd rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world."

Phil nodded. "You're part of our team, Bucky. We're here for you."

The support seemed to be helping. Bucky looked a little less wrecked than he had. He still had trouble finding his voice, though. Sometimes he stalled out in the middle of a sentence, or opened his mouth without saying anything.

"Bucky?" Hulk prompted, petting his hair gently.

"I guess I just wanted to say, thanks for taking care of me, tiny," said Bucky.

"Welcome," Hulk said. Then he chuffed. "Hulk not tiny."

Bucky gave a lopsided smile. "Neither's Steve anymore, and I still call him runt. It's a family joke. What, you never had any of those?"

Hulk shrugged and looked away. "Family bad."

"Well then you need a better family, with jokes -- _tiny,"_ said Bucky.

"Better now. Hulk be tiny for Bucky," the giant agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people, especially [veterans with traumatic stress](https://militaryfamilieslearningnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/The-Counseling-Psychologist-2016-Purcell-0011000016666156.pdf), have intense [fear of hurting others](https://web.archive.org/web/20160828114135/https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fear-of-hurting-the-other-and-inhibition-of-self/). This causes [unhealthy levels of anxiety](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201702/mental-illness-and-violence-would-i-do), but the common recommendation of [exposure therapy can make matters worse](https://slate.com/technology/2015/07/prolonged-exposure-therapy-for-ptsd-the-vas-treatment-has-dangerous-side-effects.html). Obviously, that would be a disaster for Bucky. O_O Fortunately, there are other options. A much gentler version is [counterconditioning](http://www.jaxhumane.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Counterconditioning-Whether-your-dog-fears-garbage-cans.pdf), where you approach a trigger only as far as you still feel comfortable and then apply copious positive input. That breaks down the previous negative associations, without the high-risk, high-stress aspects of exposure therapy. Trying to _avoid_ any distressing thought is difficult; the "[no mind](https://www.dailyzen.com/journal/zen-mind-beginners-mind)" approach is the hardest form of meditation. But _replacing_ unwelcome thoughts with something desirable is much easier! For example, [meditations on lovingkindness increase positive emotions and actions. This isn't woo; this is do-it-yourself brain rewiring that ](https://positivepsychology.com/loving-kindness-meditation/)[makes measurable changes](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201409/18-science-backed-reasons-try-loving-kindness-meditation). Compare [these brain images of novice and expert meditators](https://throughyourbody.com/6-essential-meditations-proven-by-neuroscience/) for evidence. If you [worry about whether you are a good person](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-wise-brain/201304/know-youre-good-person), you can [perform good deeds](https://www.good-deeds-day.org/blog/52_good_deed_ideas/), and then your goodness will be a demonstration of _fact,_ not a belief. If you [want to be virtuous](https://medium.com/@chengeerlee/how-to-be-a-virtuous-person-390ee8695d51), then get [a list of virtues](https://www.virtuescience.com/virtuelist.html) and work on practicing each of them for a day, a week, or whatever. To do is to be.
> 
> [Self-blame](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/201304/self-blame-the-ultimate-emotional-abuse) is a form of internalized emotional abuse, common among [survivors of abuse or other trauma](https://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/shame-and-self-blame-after-trauma/). Bucky's traumatic past has left him with a tendency to blame himself. Follow the steps to [let go of self-blame](http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/how-to-let-go-of-self-blame).
> 
> [Abandonment comes in many forms](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonment), and can cause [serious issues](http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-abandonment.html). Having survived mad science torture, Bucky worries that people will dump him for being too dangerous or bothersome. This is a problem, and it is not going to go away quickly just because he's in a better situation now, because the present grates against the past. On the bright side, you couldn't pry Steve away from him with a crowbar, so at least it's a baseless fear. Understand how to [overcome the fear of abandonment](http://howtowinamansheart.com/blog/how-to-overcome-the-fear-of-abandonment/).
> 
> Nicknames can [enhance bonding](https://www.elitedaily.com/p/relationship-pet-names-actually-make-your-bond-stronger-a-new-study-finds-13221520).


	9. Bruce Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hulk lets Bruce take over the aftercare.

Hulk's acceptance of the nickname was an unexpected bit of progress, because Bruce-and-Hulk had such a complicated background, especially with family. That's something Bucky and Steve excelled at, though. Of all the Avengers, they probably had the healthiest childhood, despite the hardships of the time. That gave them skills they can share with their teammates, which opened up whole new opportunities.

"Well done," Phil said. He was so proud of them all. They never stopped trying, no matter how bad their past was.

"Yeah, nicknames can help," Steve said. "They remind you that people care enough to create a tie like that, give it a name. Even the silly ones. Maybe _especially_ the silly ones."

Hulk rumbled approval. Then he looked at Phil. "Bruce now?" he said.

"Whenever you're ready," Phil said. "You don't have to leave until you feel like it. Is Bruce pushing at you?"

"No." Hulk shook his head. "Worried."

"About me?" Bucky said, startled. "After I went wild?"

"Uh huh," Hulk said.

"Well, I'll talk to him whenever he comes back," Bucky said. "I didn't really mean to ... do whatever. I just wasn't thinking straight."

"It happens," Steve said.

"Catch Bruce?" Hulk said, turning to Phil again.

"Yes, of course," Phil said. He moved around to where he could put an arm behind Hulk's back.

A ripple of motion, and then Bruce slumped into Phil's grasp. He floundered upright almost immediately, though.

"Bucky? How're you?" Bruce said, trying to see over the arm of the couch.

"I'm ... here," Bucky said. "Guess that's an improvement."

"Yeah," Bruce said. "This is a safe place."

"It sure is," Steve said. "We'll keep you safe."

Bucky sighed and looked away. "Was until I got here, maybe," he said. "Sorry I flipped out and hurt you, Bruce."

"You didn't actually hurt me, Bucky," said Bruce. "Hulk took care of everything."

"Yeah, I remember ... some of that," Bucky said. "I'm glad he stopped me from really hurting you. I wasn't ... it wasn't _you_ I was seeing."

"I got that impression," Bruce said dryly.

"I just saw the lab coats from the corner of my eye, and then someone grabbed me --" Bucky rubbed his shoulder.

"Sorry about that," Bruce said. "I should never have worn a white coat out of the lab, we just got excited and forgot about the rule."

"Perhaps an amendment," JARVIS suggested. "Make it a requirement instead of a suggestion, and I can remind anyone who forgets."

"Good idea, pass that to Tony and if he approves, make it so," Bruce said.

Which was to say, JARVIS could simply lock the door until whoever was balking gave up and took off the coat, if a simple reminder didn't suffice. Phil didn't expect any trouble from the Avengers -- especially after tonight's ruckus -- but some of the other scientists were headstrong and you never knew what they might get stubborn about. None of them could out-stubborn JARVIS, though.

"That might help," Bucky said. "It's just ... sometimes it feels like the whole world is made of triggers. I never know when one of them will go off." His voice dropped to a guilty whisper. "When _I'll_ go off."

"I never know when I will, either," Bruce said gently. "But it's getting better. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, and when it does, it's not as bad. Today was ... I don't even have a reference for that. An outlier."

"Bruce, Hulk has acted to protect you all along," JARVIS said. "The only thing that is new is how he recognized Bucky's need for protection also. I would consider that a very good sign."

"You've been watching him, haven't you?" Bruce said, grimacing. "Watching _us."_

"I have adhered to the privacy parameters you set," JARVIS said.

"And yet you talk about the Other Guy like you know how he acts," Bruce said.

"I also have access to footage of Avenger missions," JARVIS said. "I am able to show you examples of Hulk protecting his teammates, should you wish to view them."

"Not right now," Bruce said. "I'm confused enough already."

Phil was impressed by how JARVIS could dance around complicated topics without every lying or betraying anyone's trust. It simply hadn't occurred to Bruce that Hulk might have thought to set different privacy parameters -- or that JARVIS would follow those in addition to Bruce's set.

"I agree with JARVIS," said Phil. "The new part was Hulk recognizing a _mistaken_ attack, and acting to protect Bucky as well as you. That's impressive progress."

"I ... guess I can't really argue with that," Bruce said. "I don't know what to think."

"That's okay," Bucky said. "I don't know either. I thought I was ... not safe exactly, but not that dangerous to my own team. That was scary."

"I punched through the wall," Steve said abruptly.

"You what?" Bucky said, staring at him.

"When I first got here. The alarm. I didn't know what it was. I threw my arm out, and my fist went right through the wall," Steve said.

"Holy shit, Steve," Bucky said. "Were you okay?"

"Yeah. Other than my pride. I felt really embarrassed about it," Steve said, shaking his head.

"I Hulked out and smashed the whole kitchen once," Bruce said quietly. "I woke up in a pile of plaster and banana peels." His voice dropped. "I still don't know why Tony didn't kick me out. He won't even let me leave. I broke his _house."_

"And that was before we knew that JARVIS is a person too," Steve said.

"I do not process damage the same way you do," JARVIS said. "I was much more concerned about you than the walls. It is easier to repair walls than to repair people."

"Yeah, that's true," Bucky admitted. "People are messy."

"I would not have it any other way," JARVIS assured him. "Life is messy. You are all worth it."

"Thank you, JARVIS," said Phil. "You're worth it too."

"Yeah, but I'm messier than most," Bucky said. "I don't know how to ... fix whatever HYDRA broke in me, so I'm not a threat to the people I care about."

"We're working on that," Bruce said. "Tony and I will get your hardware updated, and that should help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Worrying](https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-worrying-takes-over/) too much can cause problems. Here are some tips on [how to reduce worrying](https://www.verywellmind.com/how-can-i-stop-worrying-so-much-2583982).
> 
> Bucky mentions his aversion to lab coats in "Coming in from the Cold: Thursday: Digging for Answers" [Part 7](https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/11200096.html).
> 
> [Personal boundaries](http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/) often prove challenging to [people who grew up without them](http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries), like Bruce. [Boundary violations](http://www.wiseword.org/pg/violated_boundaries) can take [a lot of work to fix](http://sfhelp.org/relate/boundaries.htm). Now add in the fact that [boundary issues](http://www.discoveryandwellnesscounseling.com/setting-healthy-boundaries/) play into [almost everything that can go wrong in a relationship](http://www.alturtle.com/archives/304). It helps if you understand how to handle [resentment](http://www.alturtle.com/archives/158) and [frustration](http://www.alturtle.com/archives/758).
> 
> The kitchen destruction scene appears in "[Blended](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9792840.html)."


	10. Memory Is Powerful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky struggles to reassemble memories from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter includes past torture, memory loss, and other HYDRA-related miseries.
> 
> The end notes are long, so I moved some here.
> 
> (These links are distressing.)  
> [Torture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torture) can have [lasting health effects](http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/22/torture.health.effects/). [Rehabilitation](http://www.irct.org/what-we-do/torture-rehabilitation) offers challenges for [clinicians](http://kspope.com/torvic/torture1.php). Sometimes energy work helps, such as [qigong or t'ai chi](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2745908/). [Caregivers](http://www.cvt.org/sites/cvt.org/files/u11/Helping_Refugee_Trauma_Survivors_Primary_Care.pdf) can help survivors of torture, and there are [self-care steps for survivors](http://www.cvt.org/resources/torture-survivors) too. Similarly, [human trafficking](https://aspe.hhs.gov/report/treating-hidden-wounds-trauma-treatment-and-mental-health-recovery-victims-human-trafficking) impairs access to support networks. Here are some things that [torture survivors want caregivers to know](https://www.bmj.com/content/355/bmj.i5019).
> 
> (So are these.)  
> [Traumatic stress](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/traumatic-stress.htm) can lead to conditions such as [post-traumatic stress disorder](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.htm) or [prolonged duress stress disorder](https://nobullying.com/pdsd/). Because [helplessness is a major cause of traumatic stress](http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/), the [first steps in treating survivors](https://www.collabforchildren.org/sites/default/files/downloads/Trauma%20Guide%20from%20IBM%20-%20Adults%20-%20English.pdf) must be [establishment of safety](http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Why-Dont-PTSD-Survivors-Feel-Safe.html) and [restoration of control](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201802/staying-in-control-can-help-you-live-longer). Forcing them to do things they don't want -- or even talk about what happened -- will exacerbate the problem. There are ways to [cope with traumatic stress](http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/coping-traumatic-stress.asp) or [live with someone who has it](http://www.wikihow.com/Live-with-Someone-Who-Has-PTSD).

"If you can talk about what happened, Bucky, that might help," Phil said. "While we don't know the details of HYDRA's plans, we can extrapolate that they kept wiping your memory for a reason. That means using it will probably help you and hurt them. Memory is powerful."

"What there is of it," Bucky said bleakly.

"It's like a puzzle," Bruce said. "You have to put the pieces together, but if you just randomly match them up, it takes forever. Try to sort them first -- color, mood, whatever you can recognize."

"But there are pieces missing," Bucky said.

Steve chuckled. "Since when did that ever stop us, Buck?"

"Okay, you got a point there, runt." Bucky gave a crooked smile.

"We're listening, if you want to talk," Phil said.

Bucky took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'll try," he said. "I think ... today might have gone wrong because of multiple triggers. Steve mentioned that was a problem for him."

"Yeah, something I could handle if it was the first thing to go wrong might knock me flat if it's the fifth, or the fifteenth," Steve said. "I told Bucky about that because I thought he should know about the ice problem."

"A wise decision," Phil said. "The more we know about, the better we can help you avoid it. Bucky, what other stressors can you think of?"

"Going to SHIELD," Bucky said. "I know that I need to get out of the Tower sometimes, but that's hard, and SHIELD is harder. I keep expecting ..." He rubbed his right hand over his left wrist.

After a minute, Bruce said, "Expecting them to hurt you? Lock you up, maybe? I worry about that too, Bucky. You're not alone."

"They won't do that," Steve said implacably. "I won't let them hurt either of you. I got you out before. If they bother you, I'll tear the place apart with my bare hands."

Phil couldn't help smiling at the reminder of what happened to Fury's desk. The man really should have known better.

"I know you've got my back, Steve," said Bucky. "That's the one thing I can remember. The rest is ... patchy. I liked trying out the guns today, though. Teaching Wesson was fun too. But people shooting at you, even with paintball guns ..." He shook his head. "That might not have been a good idea."

"At least, not on a day with other challenges," Phil said.

"Yeah," Bucky said. "It was a little too much like a mission, maybe."

"What else do you remember?" Phil prompted. "Try to get as much as you can, while it's still within reach."

Bucky licked his lips, then nibbled on the bottom one. He stayed silent for long minutes, thinking. Searching. Everyone waited patiently.

When he finally spoke, his voice sounded rusty, as if he hadn't used it in a while. "Sometimes it was ... like seeing things in a storm. Darkness, and then the lightning, everything coming in flashes. I think most of my missions were like that. I wasn't awake long enough to register much of them, or remember anything from the past," Bucky said. His fingers twitched, first the flesh and then the metal.

"I'm listening," Phil said, covering Bucky's right hand with his own.

"Other times it was ... different. Worse," Bucky said. "Because then I could remember, a little, the longer I stayed out. Like pieces of a church window, all the bright colors broken so that they cut me."

Bruce gave a sympathetic wince. "Yeah, that part's pretty awful. Just trying to put the pieces together hurts."

"You know what it's like, though. That helps," Bucky said. "The more complicated missions, there weren't many, but they were the worst of all. Because sometimes I remembered too much and then ... it wasn't what they wanted. So they ... there was this chair thing ..." His voice trailed away. He shook under Phil's gentle grasp.

"You don't have to tell us, if it's too hard, or you don't feel safe," Bruce said. "But if they told you not to say anything, if they tried to take away your memories, then every word you can give us is a way to fight back, a way you can deny them what they wanted."

Bucky nodded, ragged and miserable. "I don't know ... they came up with a way to just ... _wipe me,_ like washing chalk off a blackboard," he said. His metal fingers dug into the couch so hard that the fabric creaked faintly, threatening to tear.

"Here, hold onto this," Bruce said. He took one of the stress toys, a solid ball made of firm rubbery material, and slipped it into Bucky's grasp. "This one is mine, for the bad days. You don't have to worry about popping it; you can't."

"They had this ... device," Bucky said. He kneaded the ball in his hand, rubber squeaking under the pressure. But Bruce was as good as his word, and it didn't break. "They put me in it, on my back, and _God_ I hate being pinned on my back like that."

"Duly noted," Phil murmured.

"They strapped me down so I couldn't move. I could barely get enough breath to _scream,_ the straps were so tight," Bucky said. "When they turned it on, it was like ... like the time my hand slipped fixing a car engine, and I hit the battery, lit up my whole body. Needed a mouthguard so I wouldn't bite through my own tongue ... that happened once."

"And it healed okay?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah," Bucky said. "But the light, it went right through me and just burned away my memories, the way a projector jams sometimes and the film sticks to the bulb until it melts. People fading out one by one until I was alone. It hurt so much." Bucky's voice hitched and dragged. "Then it went dark, and there wasn't even _me_ anymore. Only the darkness. It felt like dying, every time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (These links are distressing.)  
> Similarly, [trauma triggers](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/trigger) open up a can of worms containing intrusive memories of misery. [Traumatic stress](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/traumatic-stress.htm) is fundamentally a filing error that causes those memories to replay at inopportune times. Since memory is plastic, techniques like [RID](http://afterdeployment.dcoe.mil/fact/post-traumatic-stress/the-rid-tool-dealing-with-triggers), [counterconditioning](http://www.jaxhumane.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Counterconditioning-Whether-your-dog-fears-garbage-cans.pdf), or [anchoring](http://www.personal-development-planet.com/nlp-anchors.html) can erode triggers over time. [Creating new positive memories](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/four-steps-to-erasing-trauma-of-painful-memories-061214) over a layer of trauma reduces the amount of conscious awareness those negative experiences occupy. Bucky has batches of very strong positive and negative memories, which creates an erratic pattern of response. But he's getting better over time. For as much as he went through, he is healing astoundingly fast.
> 
> (These links are touchy.)  
> The core of [trauma-informed care](https://www.hillsides.org/trauma-informed-care) is asking ["What happened to you?" instead of "What is wrong with you?"](https://web.archive.org/web/20171021040835/https://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/book/export/html/1681) This forms the basis of the [principles](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227841013_Trauma-informed_or_trauma-denied_Principles_and_implementation_of_trauma-informed_services_for_women) and [practices](https://dhhr.wv.gov/bhhf/ibhc/Documents/Presentations1115/BH%20conferenceTICPrinciples%20%20Case%20Examples%20FINAL.pdf). There are instructions for [supporting trauma survivors](https://themonumentquilt.org/supportingsurvivors.pdf) and [working through your own trauma](https://www.unh.edu/pacs/dealing-effects-trauma-%E2%80%93-self-help-guide). First responders typically have [workplace procedures](http://www.workstress.net/sites/default/files/stressptsd.pdf) to minimize the risk of developing PTSD.
> 
> [Memory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory) shapes [who we are](https://www.oxbowschool.org/assets/gallery/os-29-final-projects/docs/kenzie.pdf) and [how we perceive the present](https://cos.northeastern.edu/news/memories-shape-perception-present/). [Memory issues](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory_disorder) can happen due to [age](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory_and_aging), [traumatic brain injury](https://msktc.org/tbi/factsheets/Memory-And-Traumatic-Brain-Injury), [torture](https://www.cvt.org/sites/default/files/downloads/CVT%20Effects%20Torture%20April%202015.pdf), and many other reasons. Here are some [tips for coping with short-term memory issues](https://synapse.org.au/fact-sheet/memory-problems-and-tips/) and [ways to make life easier for someone with memory issues](https://www.headway.org.uk/media/6817/coping-with-memory-problems-practical-strategies-factsheet.pdf).
> 
> (This link is creepy.)  
> One inspiration for this scene was [this very disturbing video clip of Steve disappearing from Bucky's memory](http://memoryrecovery.tumblr.com/post/82609882018/wipe-him).


	11. War Changes Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reveals more of what HYDRA did to him. Steve discusses how war affects people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter includes past torture, memory loss, and other HYDRA-related miseries; plus more conventional war trauma.

Phil shivered, remembering how Bucky had said nearly the same thing to him once before. "No wonder you have trouble getting to sleep," he said grimly.

Bucky gave a ragged nod. "That's why, part of why."

"I'm willing to help with that, for as long as you need," Bruce said.

"I know, but -- it's hard," Bucky said. "It's just _so hard_ for me to let people take care of me."

"Because you feel like a burden sometimes?" Steve said. "You're not, you could never be."

"No," Bucky whispered, "because that's what _they_ used to do to me."

"What?" Steve froze in place.

"When I was ... new, fresh out of cryo, I couldn't remember _anything_. How to walk, how to eat, how to look after myself," Bucky said. "I think they liked that, making me so helpless. It kept me dependent on them. The techs would start me up and the men who gave orders, they only came in later, after I was ready for work."

"Some people in power don't like to get their hands dirty," Bruce said.

"Some of them, yeah, it made them uncomfortable. Others wanted to demonstrate how powerless I was in their hands, no matter how great a killing machine I was in the world outside," Bucky said. "The whole first day or so, I'd be so weak and dazed, the techs had to do everything for me. Move me, wash me, dress me. Until I remembered how to chew and swallow, they fed me with a needle in my arm. It could've been worse, though. Most of them weren't even rough with me. They just ... didn't care."

"Bucky, that _is_ the worst, when people treat you like -- like a _thing,"_ said Bruce, laying a gentle hand on Bucky's shoulder. "At least, that's the worst for me."

Bucky gave a bitter smile. "Yeah. That's it. I was just a weapon to them. You take the gun out of the case, clean it and load it ..."

"Sounds like a lotta work," Steve said.

"I think that's why they came up with the chair. They'd put me in there, and shock me, and it hurt like blazes. It shorted out my memory something awful," Bucky said. "But after it stopped, I'd be fine again within an hour. I mean, as fine as the Winter Soldier ever got. No memories of the past, but my body worked, and I knew how to do things. They could jolt me like that and send me back to kill someone the same day. It wasn't like coming right out of the cryo chamber when they had to refresh my training first. Didn't realize until I came here that there are different kinds of memory, so I guess the freezing and shocking don't affect them all quite the same way."

"Memory is a strange and delicate thing," Bruce said. "We still don't understand it completely. It's mysterious. Sometimes we can figure out what's going on. Other times, we can see what's happening but we just don't know why or how to fix it."

"It's getting better though," Bucky said. His voice turned pleading. "I'm getting better ... aren't I?"

"Yes, you are," Bruce assured him.

"Today just ... I thought maybe I was ... slipping away," Bucky whispered. "Turning back into ... _him_. The Winter Soldier."

"I believe he will always be a part of you," Phil said honestly. "You survived a great many things, and that must have changed you, even when you don't remember them all. You're still Bucky at the core, though, and Bucky is a good man. There will be ups and downs, but I know you won't let that stand in the way. You're brave and you're stubborn. We'll help you as much as we can. People may have taken advantage of you before, but we got you back, and you _will be_ all right again."

The sniper sought out Steve next, found him with unerring aim, eyes haunted with shadows. "I know you want Bucky back," he whispered. "You want me to be the same fella that you grew up with, and I ... I don't know if I can be him anymore ..."

"You can't," Steve said gently. He sat down on the couch. "None of us can go back to who we were before. War changes everyone, Bucky. I'm not really that skinny kid from Brooklyn anymore, even though that's how I still _think_ of myself." His smile wavered, slipping away from one side of his mouth and then the other. "You stuck by me, even when I was different ... even when I was scared sick that you'd leave me because I didn't need you to look after me the same way I used to."

"You're an idiot," Bucky said. "Course I wasn't gonna leave you, Steve. You're my _brother_. I just ... I'm not the same person you loved, back then ..."

"Sure I love the brother I grew up with, 'cause he kept me going more times than I could count," Steve said. "But I don't just want him back ... I want _you,_ here with me now, in this crazy future. I know you're different." He nuzzled against the side of Bucky's neck. "You smell different, there's this sorta cooler note along with the spice, like mint or camphor. You're still _you_ though, under everything."

"What do you want from me?" Bucky said, his voice all but lost. He leaned against Steve's shoulder. The Winter Soldier had been a vessel for other people to fill, and sometimes Bucky still groped for that guidance, toxic though it was.

"I want you to be yourself, not what somebody else says you have to be," Steve said firmly. "You need to figure out who you are today, after all the stuff that happened to you. That's something only you can do. I'd really like you to be my friend, whoever you turn out to be. It won't be the same, but that's okay. It will be good." He stroked Bucky's hair, holding him close, providing reassurance and support but no pressure. _"You_ will still be good."

Bucky leaned against Steve, silently seeking the comfort. Steve let him stay as long as he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Medical torture](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_torture) causes many problems. Here are some resources for [torture survivors](https://www.cvt.org/resources/torture-survivors) and for [caregivers who treat torture survivors](https://www.cvt.org/resources/health-care-providers). This [guide for caregivers in France](https://irct.org/assets/uploads/1018-8185_2008-2_130-138.pdf) explores how to discover and treat torture. Here are some [ways you can help torture survivors](https://www.cvt.org/what-you-can-do).
> 
> [War trauma](http://www.unicef.org/sowc96/7trauma.htm) can do [a lot of damage](http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm). It often causes [PTSD](http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/post-traumatic-stress-disorder.htm), [PDSD](http://nobullying.com/pdsd/), [survivor guilt](http://www.realwarriors.net/active/treatment/survivorguilt.php), and other difficulties. Know how to [cope with psychological trauma](http://www.trauma-pages.com/s/t-facts.php).
> 
> [War changes everyone](https://thecourier.com/wwii-veterans-look-back/war-changes-everyone/), and [the effects last a long time](http://broughttolife.sciencemuseum.org.uk/broughttolife/themes/war/effects). Veterans leaving the military usually [struggle with the return to civilian life, due to ](https://msw.usc.edu/mswusc-blog/transitioning-out-of-the-military/)[many common challenges](https://www.usveteransmagazine.com/2017/02/common-challenges-during-readjustment-to-civilian-life/). A wide range of [wellness options](https://veteransfamiliesunited.org/healing-resources/), from self-help to professional care, can help veterans heal from war trauma. There are ways to support veterans [in your family](https://www.sanfrancisco.va.gov/oefoif/GuideforFamilies.pdf) or [in general](https://nvf.org/support-veterans-make-difference/). One of the most useful I've found is, "Do you have a story you need to tell?" Mostly they just get peppered with questions and nobody cares what _they_ need to talk about.


	12. No Hurry at All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Tony reconnect with Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ends "Coming in from the Cold: Sunday: Thanks for Taking Care of Me, Tiny." I hope you've enjoyed the story.
> 
> A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
> 
> I also have a list of [favorite photogenic scenes](https://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9313791.html) from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.

A soft tap on the door made Phil look up.

 _May I come in?_ Clint signed.

Phil beckoned him over. Bucky and Steve didn't stir. "It's okay, Clint, I think we're past most of the talking part."

"Good," Clint said. "You guys want supper? We put aside servings for all of you, but if you don't feel like eating, we can put everything in the fridge."

Bucky stirred. "Steve, you should eat. It's not good for you to skip meals."

"Not good for you either," Steve said.

"Yeah, I think I can eat," Bucky said.

"I'll bring the food," Clint said. "Is more company okay? Natasha doesn't want to stay, and Betty says she needs to check stuff in the lab, but Tony is concerned."

"It's fine," Bucky said.

Clint went back to the kitchen and brought in the food. Bucky hunched around his bowl of soup. Tony sidled over next to Bruce, which was no surprise. Betty looped through the common room just long enough to make sure that Bruce really was okay, then she headed to the lab. Probably she still felt guilty about the lab coat trigger.

Phil had gotten focaccia bread with his soup. It was still a little warm, soft and chewy, the perfect complement to minestrone. "Thank you, Clint, this is delicious," he said.

"No problem," Clint said. "I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't forget to eat. That makes it harder to stay calm."

"So maybe that's another trigger -- we hadn't eaten for a while, so we could appreciate supper," Steve said.

"Yeah, could be," Bucky said.

"But I was hungry, and Hulk still didn't smash everything in sight," Bruce said.

"Any idea why not?" Clint said, perching on the back of the couch.

"I don't know," Bruce said softly. "I guess ... it just felt different. Bucky startled us, but he didn't _scare_ us. We knew that he didn't really want to hurt us, he was just ... confused."

"Bruce, he picked you up by the _throat,"_ Tony said. "That's a pretty credible threat."

"Not really," Bruce said. "He picked me up by the jaw. It wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't life-threatening either. We know what both of those feel like, and how they're different."

Phil sighed. That was an ugly comparison for a scientist to understand. "So you felt that Bucky was holding back, and that changed Hulk's response?"

"Yes," Bruce said. He rubbed a hand over his face. "That's the first time Hulk has shown any real discernment. I don't know what to make of that."

"No it's not," Clint said. "He does that in battle all the time."

"If you say so," Bruce replied. "I meant, it's the first time Hulk responded nonviolently when someone got rough with me, or him. He didn't hit back. He didn't even run. He acted to protect Bucky. That's very new."

"Yeah well, Hulk likes Bucky," said Clint. "They have a lot in common -- they're both torture survivors, they both have memory issues, and so on."

Bruce blinked. "I had not thought of that."

"I had," Bucky said. "If you haven't, well, I couldn't tell the difference. I though it was part of why you're always so gentle with me."

"I'm gentle with you because you deserve care, and you need people who won't spook you," Bruce said. "I'm sorry that I upset you. That was inexcusable."

Bucky shook his head. "Nah, you were in the zone. I can think back now and see it. Steve gets like that when he draws. It's like he forgets the rest of the world even exists."

"Yeah, I do," Steve said.

"So how do we make sure scientists in the zone don't upset Bucky again?" said Tony. "Because that needs to _not happen."_

"If I may, sir, we have decided to strengthen the rule about no white coats outside of lab areas," JARVIS said. "I will make sure this particular problem does not recur."

"Yeah, okay, that works," Tony said. "Update the lab rules accordingly, and send a notice to everyone so they know about it. Also, update security protocols for the outside doors so that nobody can come into the Tower wearing a lab coat."

"Shoot, we didn't think of that one," Steve said, eyes widening.

"Yeah, that -- that wouldn't be good," Bucky said. He didn't spend much time in the more public parts of the building, but neither was he confined to the Avengers' area.

"All right, we caught it before it caused any trouble," Phil said. "JARVIS, make a note so we can go over security protocols tomorrow in search of any other potential problems."

"So noted," JARVIS said.

"Oh, and remind me to order tie-dye lab coats for working with Bucky or other trauma survivors in the lab," said Bruce. "I can't imagine anything _less_ like HYDRA wear than tie-dye."

"I will search the science supply catalogs for suitable options and send them to your desk," JARVIS said.

"Thank you," said Bruce.

"Oh, good," Bucky said. "The last thing I need is more triggers. Sometimes I think I'm getting better, but then things like this happen, and I worry that I'm falling apart even worse."

"That happens," Clint said quietly. "When you're unmade. You start putting pieces back together, and you get better, but that makes the other parts act up even more. I've seen it before. It's not just you."

"It's not? Really?" Bucky said. He looked at Phil for confirmation.

"Clint is right," said Phil. "Even though your circumstances are unique, your recovery shows some known patterns."

"Two steps forward, one step back, cha-cha-cha," Tony said. "Yeah. I've been there too."

"Thanks, guys," Bucky said. "It helps a little, knowing I'm not alone." He gave a jaw-cracking yawn, the spoon rattling in his half-empty bowl. "Don't think I'm much more use tonight, though."

"There's no need for you to be," Phil said. "Shall we do something relaxing instead?"

"Mmm," Bucky said. He took a long drink of soup, then reached out for the garlic bread that Steve waved enticingly in front of him. "Maybe television? Something that doesn't have a complicated plot."

The screen flicked on, showing a giant tortoise eating a flower in slow motion. No, Phil realized as he saw the grass waving in the breeze, it wasn't slow motion film. The tortoise itself was just that slow. As he watched, it took another leisurely bite.

"...with no significant predators on the island, he's in no hurry at all," the narrator said.

"I get that," Bucky said. "You guys want to share the couch? No reason Steve and I should hog it."

"Sure," Clint said, sliding off the back to plop beside him.

"Don't look at me, I have my very own seat and it is a million times better than the couch," Tony said, retreating to his gaming chair.

Bruce stood up, looking tired but not wrecked. He picked up a floor cushion and dragged it by one corner, then dropped it by Tony's chair. Once Tony sat down, Bruce flopped onto the floor, using the lower part of the chair as a backrest between Tony's shins.

"Phil, you wanna join us?" Steve asked, stretching his free arm along the back of the couch. "You and Clint aren't all that big, there's room if we scooch over a bit."

"I'll take you up on that," Phil agreed, sitting beside Steve. The supersoldier was a vast warm wall that made him feel a little sleepy and completely safe. Steve let his arm drift down over Phil's shoulders.

With a happy sigh, Phil snuggled into him and watched the tortoise try to navigate his way around a rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Zoning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_\(psychology\)) is a type of intense focus. [Get into the flow](https://www.myrkothum.com/flow-into-the-zone/) with [these exercises](https://positivepsychology.com/flow-activities/). Regrettably I could not find any references on working safely in the flow.
> 
> One way to reduce flashbacks and other intrusive ideation is to change the context. I couldn't find a reference for this, but I can tell you how it works. Find something to focus on that could not have been present at the time of trauma and clashes with it. Any strong sensory stimulus can work -- bright colors, catchy music, strong smells or flavors, distinctive textures, etc. Bruce and Bucky are right on the mark with the tie-dye lab coats as anti-HYDRA gear. This is related to [other grounding techniques](https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/flashbacks.htm) for anchoring in the here-and-now, and can be used generally, but it can also connect directly to a specific trigger like the lab coats.
> 
> Explore [the cha-cha theory of recovery](http://sunnysidehealingarts.com/taking-one-step-back-after-one-step-forward-is-flow-not-failure/) with [these steps](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/two-steps-forward-one-step-back-beverly-lewis).
> 
> [Giant tortoises live on various islands](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_tortoise) and basically live in slow motion.

**Author's Note:**

> See Clint's new T-shirt that says, _[Don't Touch! Look](https://www.frompalestine.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/t13-600x600.jpg)!_
> 
> Sandwich names vary by locale. In New York City [a giant sandwich is called a hero](https://languagesoftheworld.info/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/sandwich-map.jpg).
> 
> Enjoy a recipe for [Meatloaf Sandwich](http://www.thecrepesofwrath.com/2011/10/05/tom-colicchios-meatloaf-sandwich/).
> 
> [Apples](https://www.besthealthmag.ca/best-eats/nutrition/health-benefits-apples/), [oranges](http://www.unclematts.com/10-good-reasons-to-eat-an-orange-a-day/), and [bananas](https://www.eatthis.com/benefits-of-bananas/) are all healthy fruits that pack well. However, Sitwell is also capitalizing on his knowledge of Bucky's past: any fresh produce was hard to come by in those times, and oranges and bananas were so rare they were used as holiday gifts.
> 
> [Brown Sugar Cinnamon Sweet Potato Chips](https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/142776/cinnamon-sweet-potato-chips/) offer a portable way to enjoy the [benefits of sweet potatoes](https://lacanadacarecenter.com/15-health-benefits-of-sweet-potatoes-according-to-science/).
> 
> [Trail mix](https://arborexplorer.com/health-benefits-of-trail-mix/) is a healthy food for active people, especially anyone with a high-burn metabolism. Here is a high-energy recipe for [Sweet Salty Trail Mix Granola](http://cleaneatsfastfeets.com/2016/02/17/sweet-salty-trail-mix-granola-recipe/).
> 
> [Chocolate](https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/20-health-benefits-chocolate.html) has many benefits.


End file.
